Episode 127 - Self-Control Changes Everything (Why You Know What to Do… But Don’t Do It)

We all know what we should do—but we don’t always do it. In this episode, Paul breaks down why self-control is the real gap between intention and action, especially when it comes to money, faith, and daily life. Learn how self-control is not about restriction, but about freedom—the freedom to choose what leads to peace, generosity, and ultimately Heaven. Plus, practical steps to help you start growing in self-control today. 

Transcript

Self-Control Changes Everything (Why You Know What to Do… But Don’t Do It)

Welcome to Catholic Money Talk, where we talk about all things money and finance—and we try to do it through the lens of being Catholic, where our ultimate goal is to one day be in Heaven with the Lord.

I am your host, Paul Scarfone. Thank you for being here today.

Today, we are going to talk about self-control.

But before we do that, let’s say a prayer.

Opening Prayer

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Heavenly Father, we thank You for this day. We ask You for all the grace and wisdom that we need to face the challenges and circumstances that we find ourselves in. We know that You love us and that You have a great plan for us. Allow us to yield to Your Holy Spirit. Help us to grow in self-control so that we can live the life You are calling us to live.

We ask all this in Jesus’ name, Amen.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Today, we are going to talk about self-control.

Now, I’ve talked about personal discipline and self-control before on this podcast, but I want to go deeper today. I want to really focus on self-control—what it is, why it matters, and how we actually grow in it.

Because this is one of those things that… we all understand.

We all know what we should do.

But we don’t always do it.

The Reality We All Experience

I teach personal finance to high school seniors at my kids’ school.

And one of the things I like to do with them is walk through some simple financial scenarios. I’ll have them build a budget, make decisions, plan for the future—things like that.

And one of the examples I always use is this:

I show them what happens if someone invests $100 per week for 30 years.

Just $100 per week.

And when we run the numbers, it turns into over a million dollars.

Their eyes get wide. They can’t believe it.

And then I start asking questions.

Is that possible?

They say yes.

Is that ridiculously hard?

They say no.

Do you think someone with a full-time job could do that?

Yes.

And then I ask the question that really matters:

How many people do you know who are actually doing that?

And they pause.

And then they say… none.

They don’t think their parents are doing it. They don’t think people they know are doing it.

And then I ask:

If it’s so doable… why doesn’t everyone do it?

And their answers are always the same.

People spend too much.

They want to have fun.

They buy things they don’t need.

They go out to eat.

They get the newest phone.

They don’t budget.

They are busy paying off debt and making payments.

And they’re right.

But what they’re really describing is this:

They’re describing a lack of self-control.

The Real Problem

See, most financial problems are not math problems.

They’re not knowledge problems.

They’re not even income problems most of the time.

They are self-control problems.

Because most people know what they should do.

They just don’t do it.

And this isn’t just about money.

This shows up everywhere.

You say you’re going to wake up early and pray… and then you don’t.

You say you’re going to work out… and then you don’t.

You say you’re not going to spend money this week… and then something comes up, and you do.

And it’s not because you don’t want to do the right thing.

It’s because in that moment… something else wins.

And that gap—

the gap between what we know and what we do

—that’s where self-control lives.

What I do, I do not understand. For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate. - Romans 7: 15-20

What Self-Control Actually Is

Now, when we hear “self-control,” most of us think about discipline.

Willpower.

Trying harder.

White-knuckling it.

But as Christians, we need to understand this differently.

Self-control is not just a skill.

It’s not just something you grind your way into.

Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.

Which means it grows out of a relationship with God.

It’s something the Holy Spirit forms in us.

But—and this is important—we still have a role.

We still have to choose it.

We still have to act.

We still have to say yes to what is right and no to what is not. And we need the Lord’s grace to do that. That is the only way it is sustainable. Pride will say, I got it, humility says, I need the Lord.

The Simple Example

Let me give you a simple example.

You say to yourself:

“I’m going to pray tonight.”

You mean it.

You want to.

You know it’s important.

And then the night comes.

You’re tired.

You grab your phone.

You scroll a little.

One video turns into ten.

And then you’re going to bed.

And prayer never happens.

That’s not a lack of desire.

That’s a lack of self-control.

Same thing with money.

You say:

“We’re not going to spend this month.”

And then something comes up.

And you justify it.

And then it happens again.

And again.

And before you know it, you’re off track.

Again—it’s not a lack of knowledge.

It’s not a lack of desire.

It’s a lack of self-control.

Why This Matters (The Big Picture)

Now here’s where this gets really important.

Self-control is not the goal.

We’re not trying to become disciplined people just for the sake of being disciplined.

Self-control is a means to something greater.

Self-control allows us to be faithful.

Faithful to God.

Faithful to our spouse.

Faithful to our family.

Faithful to the life we are called to live.

Because without self-control…

we don’t actually have freedom.

We just do whatever we feel like doing in the moment. (and like St Paul says in that Romans verse, we are slaves to sin, that is why we do what we hate)

And that’s not freedom.

That’s being controlled by our impulses.The Flesh!

The Lie About “Fun”

I hear this all the time from people.

They say:

“I just want to have fun.”

“I don’t want to budget.”

“I don’t want to say no to things.”

“I want to enjoy my life.”

And I get it.

But here’s the problem.

Most people have the wrong idea of what fun actually is.

They think fun is:

• Buying whatever they want
• Going out to eat all the time
• Getting the new car
• Taking the trip

And some of those things can be fun.

But they are not the most fun.

The Generosity Story

A few years ago, Taryn and I heard about a family that was struggling financially.

It was late November.

Christmas was coming up.

And we thought—how great would it be if we could help them?

So we tightened up our budget.

We said no to a few things.

We created space.

And we gave them $1,000.

And I remember giving it to them.

I was nervous.

Like… really nervous.

But also excited.

And when they received it—they were blown away.

They cried.

We cried.

And I remember thinking in that moment…

This is one of the best feelings in the world.

Way better than anything we could have bought for ourselves.

And I also remember thinking—

If I had just spent that $1,000 on something for me…

I probably would have felt sick about it.

Second guessing it.

But this?

This was different.

This was joy.

This was freedom.

And that only happened because of self-control.

Because we had already said no in other areas.

The Truth About Self-Control

So here’s the truth:

Self-control is not about restriction.

It’s about freedom.

Freedom to:

• Be generous
• Be present
• Be faithful
• Choose what actually matters

Because if we don’t have self-control…

we don’t actually get to choose.

Where We Struggle

And the reality is—we don’t just need self-control with money.

We need it everywhere.

We need it with:

• Food and drink
• Work and rest
• Screen time
• Spending
• Emotions
• Relationships
• Time

Because most of these things are not bad. In themselves, they aren’t bad. Some of them are very good things.

But when they start to control us…

that’s when we have a problem.

It’s not about whether something is good.

It’s about whether it’s getting in the way of what’s better.

And that is the Key here, Self COntrol is the regular habit of picking what is best. Not just of avoiding sin, but of actually picking the best. 

Self Control, since it is part of the fruit of the spirit. It is a beautiful virtue. My good friend Dr Justin Anderson reminds us that a virtue is a muscle of the soul. It needs to be exercised regularly to get stronger. So we need to live in God’s grace to train ourselve sin self control to pick the best thing over and over and over again. 

And how do we measure self control? We measure it by our faithfulness?

So what do I mean? It is exercising good self control to be in sound physical shape. I have a friend that runs long runs every week. He does a handful of half marathons a year. He is in incredible physical shape. It takes a lot of physical self control to do that, diet, exercise, practice. It takes a lot of time and effort. He is in better shape tan me, at least for running. But comparison is not how we measure our sefl control, that is important.

So let me say it again, Comparison is not how we measure our self control. Comparison is a trick the evil one uses to tear us down, or make us jealous. 

Rather, the way we measure our self control, is “are we able to faithful” to that list I mentioned above:

Faithful to God.

Faithful to our spouse.

Faithful to our family.

Faithful to the life we are called to live.

This is so very important. Self control is not a contest, it is a virtue that we must exercise and develop that allows us the freedom to be faithful to all that God calls us to..

Practical Steps to Grow in Self-Control

So let’s talk about how we actually grow in this.

I’m going to give you a few simple steps.

Not complicated.

But not easy.

1. Pray First

This has to be the foundation.

Before decisions.

Before spending.

Before reacting.

Before responding.

You’ve heard me say this before:

Did you pray first?

Because apart from Him—we can’t do this.

Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.

We need the Spirit.

2. Decide and Pursue It

You don’t drift into self-control.

You choose it.

You say:

“This is the kind of person I want to be.”

And then you begin to live like it.

Even when it’s hard. You pursevere. 

3. Build the Right Environment

Make it easier to win.

• Have a plan
• Have a budget
• Remove distractions
• Create structure

If you’re constantly surrounded by temptation…

you’re going to struggle. And building the right environment isn’t just about the physical space, that is important, but it is also about the mental, spiritual, and emotional enviroment. Here, good relationships are key. 

Iron is sharpened by iron; one person sharpens another.* Proverbs 27:17

I am part of a mens group. We meet every other week. We share life with eachother, we share our challenges, struggles, and our wins. We pray and encourage eachother, We call eachother on to holiness. These men are a great support to my efforts in self control. 

Iron sharpens iron.

4. Set a Big Enough Why

This is where most people fail.

They don’t have a big enough reason to say no.

Your why has to be bigger than the temptation.

Maybe it’s:

• Peace
• Freedom
• Generosity
• Your marriage
• Your kids
• Heaven

If your goal is small…

you won’t sacrifice.

5. Accountability

You cannot do this alone.

If you’re married—this is your spouse.

If you’re not—find someone.

A friend.

A mentor.

A coach.

Someone who loves you enough to:

Encourage you.

Support you.

And challenge you. - Again, this is part of building that environment. It is courageous truthful voices calling you on…accountability is a gift.

The Balance

And one last thing here.

Self-control is not about becoming rigid.

It’s not about saying no to everything.

Sometimes…

self-control means saying yes to the right thing. I mentioned this earlier, self control is picking the best option. Sometimes it is saying now to something, and other times it is saying yes to the right things. 

Sometimes it is clearly both, I say no to scrolling on my phone, so I can say yes, to having prayer time.

Closing

Scripture tells us that discipline is not pleasant in the moment.

It’s hard.

It’s uncomfortable.

It feels like sacrifice.

But later…

it produces peace.

At the time, all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain, yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who are trained by it.e   Hebrews 12:11

And I’ve seen that play out over and over again.

So if you’re struggling with this…

start small.

Be intentional.

Rely on the Lord.

And remember this:

Self-control is not about saying no to everything…

it’s about saying yes to the life God is calling you to live.

That’s all I have for today.

I hope this was helpful.

Thank you for joining me.

God bless you, and have a great day.